Why I stopped blogging (and why I’m starting again)

On one of my posts, there was one comment I remember clearly:

“Why do you write on topics like this? Nobody cares. Stop blogging.”

It stung. It stung hard.

It was one comment but the words were sharp. I sat with my laptop on the floor and cried all of that Thursday night. And the next day, I decided to not write on my blog again. It’s taken me 56 days to get back to my site again, and I’m still nervous when I think back to how I felt that one day.

Since then, a lot of things have changed. The sidewalks are now filled with winter parkas, and coffee shops smell like pumpkin spice lattes. Instead of ‘Hot Girl Summer’ we are singing carols and waiting patiently for those Black Friday deals to drop.

But in my personal life, I feel almost lifeless. Even with all the changes around me, I felt – and still feel – stuck in that moment to when I read that.

Not too long after that time, news broke in Korea of a famous k-pop singer, Sulli, who committed suicide. There is high suspicion that Sulli, a former member of the group f(x), who was suffering from severe depression at that time committed suicide because of the antagonistic comments online. This news came as a shock to everyone as she portrayed a very strong, positive person through her social media sites.

Now, I am putting a huge disclaimer that I know I am nothing close to a k-pop star and I have no understanding about the extent of the comments she was getting. I also can’t imagine the hate that she received after defying societal norms in Korea because even my one comment made me rethink my purpose.


I want this post to be a reminder to you reading this that you are worthy of love and life – even with the hate. It may not be hate through an anonymous comment. It may be hate from your coworker or boss, your ex-boyfriend or current girlfriend, and especially yourself.

You are worthy of living the purpose you were given to live and breathe for.

I am still struggling to find my own and get back to the core of myself, as this bump was a really tough one to come back from. But I will come back to spread hope and love and even to finish my Korean show reviews on the side!

I just want to put a special thank you to one reader for reaching out. I got this email about a month ago, and although I haven’t replied, I remember to go back to it every week.

I want to thank you for some of your blogs.  I have some image issues myself and I was inspired by some of your comments and enthusiasm.
I note you haven’t posted for a few weeks now?
Just want to check and see if things are ok, and let you know that you have friends everywhere.
Best

Every time I read it, it fills in the emptiness that was created from the hate comment from before, and it reminds me that even with the hate all around me and us, there is love.

Thank YOU for reading this and I hope that you and I can build on this journey together.


If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, check out the resources below.

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Here is a list of international suicide hotlines.
Text TALK to 741741 for 24/7, anonymous, free counseling.
Call the SAMHSA Treatment Referral Hotline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), for free, confidential support for substance abuse treatment.
Call the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), for confidential crisis support.
Call Trevor Lifeline, 1-866-488-7386, a free and confidential suicide hotline for LGBT youth.
7 Cups and IMAlive are free, anonymous online text chat services with trained listeners, online therapists, and counselors.

My transformation story – How I struggled with my body image

What’s wrong with me? Why am I not like her? Why am I like this?

These were my daily thoughts as I would mindlessly scroll through social media.

Believe it or not, research has it that we complain about 15 to 30 times a day or every 32 minutes that we’re awake. If that doesn’t make your mind spin a bit, it was estimated that 80% of our daily thoughts were negative and that such thoughts had toxic effects on our body. And this day and age, social media has propelled to this to be exponentially worse.

So many times I’ve failed to see what I had right in front of me because I was so busy wishing, ‘what if.’ And a huge chunk of those times it was about my body image. Each morning, I woke up dreading how I would look in the mirror and every night I would sleeplessly think about how I looked to others.

This post details the real, raw no-Photoshop truth of my story and how I got to be where I am today. I hesitated initially to even post these pictures publicly – yet alone look at them now. But I write this to shed light on how pictures are far from what they seem.

I write to let you know that you are not alone.


Let’s go back to 2011 when I was starting college at Penn. It’s crazy now how I can pinpoint a time in my life when things started to take a rough turn. But I was going through my photo album and the photo on the left is actually the ONLY picture I kept from my freshman year. And yes, it’s because I met Ashley from the Bachelorette that day and our shirts coincidentally matched. It’s the only picture I have because freshman 15 20 was real.

Speaking of Bachelor Nation, definitely on #teamDylan

On the right is a selfie I took after I went to the school gym … AFTER I binged on a family size bag of chips and Wawa candy in the span of an hour for five days straight, making an excuse of how I was super stressed about finals. I put on a fake smile, sucked my belly in as hard as I could and took that picture. The next day, I went back to binge eating.


Then comes the following year where I decided new me = new hair(?) It was an anxious year as I traveled solo to Korea by myself with really no other memories than feeling so self-conscious about my above average height and weight that I regretted the trip altogether. Still unclear why the standard size at Korean markets 44 (or US size 2)? But I actually remember catching myself Googling (or Naver-ing), “how to lose weight to look like a skinny Korean” once I came back from the trip. Ridiculous, right?


My senior year of undergrad was when I hit my peak weight. Although I never routinely weighed myself, I was embarrassed when getting my physical that year. My mom begs to differ but I thought the nurse practically shouted across the whole room my weight when I got off the scale. I cried for days, thinking I could never feel comfortable in my own skin. I went through senior year more confused than ever about where I wanted to go after college and who I was as a person – and I blamed that moment as the tipping point.

I wondered how people saw my life through what was posted on social media: did people think of me as successful, did I look pretty enough in certain photos, did I look too tall or fat, did I have any major life events that measured up to those of others? How I looked at myself was through the lens of those around me, leading me to a perpetual worry and desire for something more – and eventually losing the love of myself and my body.


This is me now. Okay, maybe a little less tan than this. But I am actually starting to feel comfortable in my body, my skin, my 5’11” unknown-weight self. Even the first pic of me where I ran with just a sports bra on – that was a first, ever!!!

No abs, no butt, no secret meal plan or strict fitness routine but when I go about my day today it doesn’t start with negative self-talk. In fact, I don’t think my weight has even changed much from my senior year! It’s just I can tell my mindset is different. Looking back, what hits me the hardest is knowing I had the ability all along to start the changes to get me to a better place.

Instilling confidence that I have this ability –
that’s what was (actually still is) my biggest struggle.


Take these daily affirmations with you as you go with your days forward:

  • Worrying and complaining change nothing.
  • When you’re trying to control too much, you enjoy too little.
  • You are good enough.
  • Trust me, you are not alone.

If there is one takeaway from this, I urge you to start here and today. If you’re feeling stuck in a place you don’t want to be in, this is your chance to figure out what you had all along. The secret is, the universe will not do it for you. You have to discover it.

Remember this. Even if you have a good reason to be angry or resentful at yourself, don’t. Channel your energy into thoughts and actions that actually benefit your life.
-Getting Back to Happy